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[[MORE]]My parents refuse to give me my own room so the family car is like a safe haven I can go to ‘whenever’ I want to be away from them
Though it’s a little chilly tonight, even inside the car. My face and hands are kind of cold. I just hope I don’t catch a cold (sorry for saying 'cold’ twice…)
I didn’t know that I had cerebral palsy until I was forty-six.
Most children grow up with at least a basic understanding of themselves. They learn who they are and the challenges they may face while they’re growing up, while they’re still young. For me, that understanding came decades later.
By the time I discovered the truth, I had already lived through decades of trying to understand why I was different and why certain things felt more difficult than they seemed to be for others.
For years I tried to make sense of challenges that never had explanations. I assumed my difficulties and shortcomings were something I needed to try harder to overcome and continued to blame myself when I couldn’t. IT IS the reason I threw away my school reports.
Walking toe-heel and having to wear a heel raise as a young child was something I never came to terms with. Having my father continually tell me to pick my foot up as he walked behind me was something else. Paralysis and the lack of muscle tone on my left side, and a foot drop I didn’t know I had, was something else. They were all my biggest bug bears.
When the truth finally surfaced, experiences that once felt confusing began to make more sense. But understanding doesn’t arrive all at once. It unfolds slowly, but it cannot change your experiences or what you have lived through.
But discovering I had cerebral palsy at forty-six wasn’t the end of the story. Instead, it became the beginning of a different and longer story, through reflection, learning and trying to understand how something that had been kept from me, went on to shape me, and my life.
Nearly 3 decades later and now in my sixties, I am still reflecting on how living without that knowledge has influenced me, my childhood, how I came to see myself, and how others still see me. None of it is comfortable reading.
Discovering something so fundamental about your identity in adulthood is challenging. It’s painful. It asks you to revisit memories and experiences with openness and honesty, no matter how hard they are to address. But in doing so, you end up with a new awareness, allowing you to see things as they should have been, no matter how difficult that is.
It’s freeing because you no longer have to carry what doesn’t belong to you. It’s not comfortable, and it became necessary.
No child should be left out or kept in the dark.
The truth can open the door to greater understanding and compassion, but it can also leave burning questions, anger, and a bitter taste. It’s no wonder I grew up with anger issues. It’s a lot for any child to deal with.
But learning about yourself is not something that only belongs to childhood. If it doesn’t happen then, it will have to continue throughout your life, because childhood experiences don’t simply go away – instead like me, you may find yourself having to learn about yourself until you find peace. Discovering truths about yourself later on can change how you see your past, and it can give you a clearer path forward.
After fifteen years of writing for The CP Diary, I realise that finding my voice has been a journey in itself. Sitting in my truth now feels less about being brave for a moment and more about allowing myself the space to be honest, even when that honesty feels uncomfortable. And it is.
Writing through reflection has taught me that stories matter, not because they are perfect, but because they are real. If sharing my truth helps even one person feel seen, understood, or less alone, then every word written over these years has been worth it.
About the Author
Ilana Estelle is an author and writer, and the founder of The CP Diary. Born with something she didn’t know she had, later learning it was cerebral palsy, and then ten years after — also being diagnosed with autism, she has turned personal adversity into a powerful platform for awareness, reflection, and change. Through her writing, Ilana inspires readers to explore resilience, mindfulness, and what it means to live authentically, no matter the challenges.
Looking for inspiration and honest reflection? Visit The CP Diary for daily insights. To explore Ilana’s books and resources, head to her author page and discover how her journey can support your own.
To check out her site please follow the link: https://www.thecpdiary.com
Getting someone to open up about themselves and share about their mentality, their life, be a little human and share in humanity with you by connecting… is power. Use it.
Advice to the parent of the middle schooler for the social abuse defense tactics:
Have your kid do cool stuff that anyone else would want to do– cool clothes, hair styles, mani pedi etc
A travel trip that is incredible and would make anyone jealous
Make sure your girl has friend groups and circles and hobbies outside of the school, so she has people to hang out with and isn’t socially dependent on the school dynamics. It will keep her grounded and in check about self esteem, confident, loved and supported, and finally it makes her not need the approval of the others plus they can’t hurt her or get her down and they will be the lame ones to some degree for not having outside groups or interests
World experiences that make her worldly and cooler than them (akin to the traveling to far places like Paris etc) make sure she has photos and cool things as well from there
So focused on other stuff when coming back like country and culture and poetry and art and home renovations and taking care of my family, plus school and career, that I only really cared abt one or two or maybe three friends since coming back, declined larger events frequently, stopped travelling to see the larger community, and stopped caring about missing out. I loved staying in and doing stuff. On my own, for myself. Projects and crafts and cool things for me. Looking forward to and being excited and proud of my own adventures.
Same thing with visiting, etc etc, didn’t have time to suck up or be emotionally invested and excited in trying to be friends with others bc I was running around with responsibilities and chores and ideas and family and tasks and fun stuff of my own, it didn’t occur to me to chase anyone or mold my ideas to fit theirs or try to be someone they liked or avoid being someone they made fun, and they did judge but I didn’t even slow down or stop to react or notice it because I had my own life to keep up with and my own stuff to be concerned with, so they were just fans, obsessive fans who didn’t have much going on for themselves so I was the new TV show they were watching and it made them sad instead of me for not being cool to them, but i was actually cooler bc they clearly didn’t concern me and their opinions didn’t concern me or even meet my radar and their thoughts of me didn’t matter tho I could at times sense their insecurities and immaturity and judge them, and by nature their level of monitoring over me showed that I was clearly worthwhile enough to waste their attention on.
When I came back I had a glow about me, I was positive and happy and yet calm and also I was glowing and I didn’t realize how dull I felt in this social world and also how lame and self obsessed and rude and judgemental and entitled and weird and power trippy all these freaks around me were and how much I used to waste my time spending it around them until I left and removed my energy from their pathetic little hierarchy games. I stopped choosing them. I was more concerned about culture and exploring the world and myself and doing fun projects and investing in my family than I was about chasing parties and hanging out with others who aren’t even close friends.
I just felt more calm and comfortable in myself, confident, and self assured and I knew who I was and I wasn’t concerned anymore about being included because I belonged with myself already so I felt comfortable anywhere and alone, and I was excited about myself and liked myself already, and as a result I hermited myself to my own life instead of trying to keep up with the community and all their little events and parties and whatnot.
Also I could see in hindsight and retrospect that a majority of the clique looked down on me and then they suddenly wanted to be with me and around me and hang out with me when I diverted my attention and started choosing my own life, turning down events, stopped choosing them. When I turned my focus away from them and their life I realized how stupid it all was because it was only within that bubble that they could self enforce this idea of coolness that no one outside it believed, and I became friends with all those outside of it, people I admired so much who accomplished way more, and i realized how much I’d severely limited myself by being around ridiculously immature, soul sucking, energy draining folks who in reality were treating me like crap every time they acted like their presence was something I had to audition for even though we are all in the same group. Going to another place and casually finding accomplished people there who loved and liked me so easily, admired me and respected me with ease, and found me to be naturally savvy and cool and worth knowing made me realize how stupid and foolish my hometown crowd is and how useless it was for me to be chasing them because it’s obvious by comparison that a lack of reciprocity and a lack of energy indicated a dislike or a disdain, like they were better than me, just because I like to play sports and I dress more casually and wear makeup upon occasion and the brands i wear are not the one specific brand theyre all obsessed with, and they wear dresses and makeup everywhere and they only hang out with each other. Like what a stupid fucking group, and I was dumb to be chasing something that isn’t worth anything at all. I wanted to fit in and be included thinking there’s better for me once that happens. No. It is exactly whatever it is now, if you stop looking at the exclusion or the slow fade and look at what you’re receiving only, and then choose only what comes to you. Ugh. The other day I found a design I actually liked and ordered it from the brand, and it wasn’t for anything but really liking the one specific design enough to finally get one after three years of refusing to order. Bro. The way they all collected around me trying to act like we were friends was insane. The respect and admiration and the appraisal was insane. These people are so cheap inside its crazy. I miss my friends. I miss family. I miss my life. I miss my projects. I miss the fields. I miss my alone time. I miss my passions. They are so empty and I was dumb trying to get along with such empty pointless circles. My world is bigger without them in it, my world goes beyond them, the world itself is beyond them, and it took travelling for me to see that.
I have to re visit that energy and find myself again.
using this blog while archiving old blogs to it haphazardly makes the dates of things in the tags all fucked up
no one laughs when any of us joke abt sui ideation. cmaahnnn . Come Ahhhhnnn. i’m just some silly guys. and we want people to know how we feel without it being a big deal. it’s with me daily. why can’t anyone laugh about it?
i guess overall the reason the boys and i have so much trouble doing what i ought to while wearing THEIR shoes is that… i mean no offense to anyone i guess, but in our experience fucked up gay men are just a lot harder to find than fucked up straight men.
straight men really really hate women these days. it is really easy for me as a girl to find guys who will cooperate with my frankly ghoulish requests and who push me further to do worse and worse things to myself. gay men, at least the ones that like the boys’ stylings, are like “what? that’s scary. should i check you in to the hospital? or…”
so how am i supposed to find friends of my own if i’ve abdicated my body? if MY options are limited to the kinds of men the boys attract. i should’ve planned ahead but like i thought i would just die.
but i am still here. i just have too much me that can’t be distributed to the boys. i am too much, and i don’t blend with them the way they sorta-blend with each other.
i feel really alone. and everything i built for like 10 years has been torn down over and over again. and i know all of that was fucked up but it was mine
anyway i don’t have anyone following me who i imagine could or would give me advice.
outside of those who know me, there is maybe one guy who like. occasionally celebrates our self-destructive behavior. where i intersect with lex. which feels about right. of course the preferred form of self destruction on the other side of the looking-glass is being a manic workaholic.
and then it’s just face’s bestie, who obviously quiet has warned about me. because we can’t just be good we have to be PERFECTLY good
isn’t that just it? a body full of perfectionists, each with a different definition of perfection. what an unhealthy mess. no wonder guys think we’re scary.
i don’t know why i post
[[MORE]]no one cares but i really liked the yoghurt i had today… i have green food colouring originally to make mint chocolate chip cookies, but i couldn’t find mint or peppermint extract anywhere, so it’s just been sitting there a while… thus, i put it in my yoghurt to pretend it’s matcha flavoured i suppose. i don’t know. it made me really happy today during sehri.
