And here we find a rare instance of a Humans Are Space Orcs post from Tiktok that isn’t an AI voice reading a reddit post over a minecraft video.

Humans Are Weird: Weird Pain

I can’t be the only that can handle a migraine or nearly breaking a limb with a wince but am rolling on the floor if I stub my toe…right (please validate me in the comments 😅). I can only imagine what an alien species would think…

Human *coming back from cliffdiving because of course they never sit still*: Nah, I’ll be fine.

Alien *seeing human holding his nose and…bleeding?*: what happened?

Human *shrugs*: I think there was a rock or something. Must have broken my nose.

Alien *is horrified*: we must take you to the medical wing-

Other human: Nah, this is like the rib thing.

Alien *eye witches*: Your nose heals on its own too?

Human: Yeah, I’ll be all goo- Fuck! Shit!

Alien *rushing forward*: what’s wrong?

Human *shifting onto one leg*: I hit my fucking shin on this table. Son of a bitch, that hurts.

Alien *staring*: does your…shin not heal?

Human *glaring*: it’s not fucking broken.

Alien *barely processing*: Your broken bone…is fine but your non broken bone is too much pain?

Human *hisses in pain*: Yes!

***

If you want to check out “the rib thing” that is on my page! If you like this scene and want to see it as a full book (free with KU!) you can find those pinned to my page as well!

Humans are space orcs writing prompt.

No one can handle their drink like humans!

The biggest land animals on earth, elephants, can handle something being at a maximum of 7% alcohol by volume (abv)

Most species on earth can usually intake 1-3 abv.

With small species like rats only being able to intake alcohol in the milligrams range, at best 80mgs.

Meanwhile humans will sometimes knock back something that is 40 abv. We can drink a whole bottle of it and while we feel lousy the next day, we dont die from it.

If the majority is the precident, then a shot of vodka will be pretty much a death sentence for most alien species.

But there go the humans, just knocking it back and calling that a fun night.

Correct in Size and Opinion

So, most intelligent species get their common names by suggesting an idea themselves when they enter polite society. There’s a whole database for making sure there are no duplicates, and minimizing confusion. Sometimes their existing name for themselves makes it in, if it’s pronounceable enough for the average intelligent being (“humans”), and there’s no easily-agreed-on description for them. But usually the common name is a descriptive word (“Heatseekers”), or even a long phrase, shortened down for casual use (“The Mesmerizing Ones” / “Mesmers”). Sometimes a nickname becomes more popular than the official name. (Nobody calls Armorlites “The Mighty” unless they have to). At any rate, an intelligent race’s common name generally tells you something about the way they see themselves.

Which made it all the funnier when I found out that the gigantic elephantlike folks I hadn’t seen in ages were officially called “Those Who Are the Correct Size.” Sizers for short. They were the biggest aliens I’d interacted with personally, and it seems they had opinions about that.

“How do you suppose that conversation went down?” I asked Mur as we walked. The raised sidewalk was impressively sturdy, and I felt confident that I could carry on a conversation while carrying the package for delivery. The fact that there was a clear wall instead of railings helped. It was a long drop to the ground.

“The diplomats probably thought it was funny,” Mur said from behind me, making quiet tentacle-step sounds. “Or these folks were pushy about it, but they always seem pretty easygoing to me.”

Sizers ambled past on the main road, behemoths in shades of sunset pink, largely ignoring the smaller citizens on the walkway at head level. None moved with any particular urgency. They probably would have noticed if someone was in stepping-on range, but thankfully the architecture had been modified to reduce that risk. Raised walkways lined every building, some leading to ramps and stairways while others had their own little doors cut into the walls.

It was all very thoughtful. I wondered how many accidents had happened before those alterations were put in.

Mur suddenly said, “Grab on!” then the walkway shuddered.

Keep reading

Funnily enough, when they first meet past the edges of the Sol system, the aliens like the humans.

None of the humans were prepared for this.

The humans prepared for decades- for centuries! to contact life out in the black, and be judged harshly for their past.

The aliens, almost to the one, seemed delighted with humanity and everything they entailed. Good, bad, and ugly.

“You see, we heard you calling out for long, long, long… we could not find where you called out from. Now we have! You called for so long, and now we meet you! It is good to know you! We have tried so hard to find you and say, Hello!”

The messages Earth sent out, just in case there was anyone out there to hear, to extend reassurance that they simply were not alone was received always with delight. And sparked a soft race to find the origin of such a kind and curious signal into the vastness of the universe.

Humans are Everywhere

We often don’t think about it much, but humans are everywhere. In every crevice of the Earth, in every climate, in every region, EVERYWHERE.

If there is a location on Earth, then there is probably at least 1 human living there. Or at the very least a human who has lived there in the past. Have we ever thought just how batshit insane that is?

Think about how difficult that is to do, for a species to be on every continent, on every biome, on islands, in deserts, in jungles, on freaking ANTARCTICA. We’re the only species on Earth that does that.

I genuinely wonder if aliens are like this too, or maybe they would be weirded out by this.

Alien: “Oh my! By the great zorp you things are everywhere!”

Human: “Yeah…we kinda tend to do that.”

Alien: “Oh! But you’re not in the frozen wasteland at the south pole of your world!”

Human: “No, we are.”

Alien: “Oh! But you’re not in those super dangerous mountains!”

H: “There, too.”

A: *visibly frustrated*

A: “But you’re not in the middle of the ocean?”

H: “You’re not going to believe this.”

A: “How?! They are so far away from any major landmass! How did you even get there?!”

H: “Floaty wood.”

A: “what.”

H: “We used a little floating piece of wood.”

A: “…”

Things I think aliens would find cute/endearing about humans: Part 3

Hop Scotch

Uuvadas | Log ⚭◼︎: human games

Our vessel has a courtyard of sorts, an artificial habitat complete with various forms of plant-life from the planets of those residing on the vessel. It is meant to boost morale and productivity, and provide leisure to the crew members.

One human who goes by Murphy, decided that he wanted to do a ‘social experiment’. Given that I am on this vessel to study humans, I decided to take advantage of his intent.

Murphy took up a stone from one of the rock beds and scraped it across the pavement to create a series of squares and human numeric symbols. Once this was completed, Murphy departed from the courtyard and said he would return when it was more sufficiently occupied. I decided I would do the same, I wanted to see what would happen next.

I joined Murphy in one of the several seating arrangements and began to observe.

The first human to come across the symbols glanced down at the footpath, but kept walking. Murphy expelled air from his nasal passages at this. The first attempt have been a failure. (It is also worth noting that humans are bipedal without stifled joints, and thus have non-standard locomotion. Most humans also have no more than 2 arms, and as such are considered to be a disabled class. The humans themselves do not know this, but many accommodations were made to this vessel in preparation to their arrival.)

The second human who came across the symbols paused before reaching them, before walking strangely over each square. I looked at Murphy, who shrugged and said, “Eh, she’s got a bad hip.”

I did not understand what this meant, but continued observing.

The third human who approached stopped completely, before raising one leg and jumping with the other onto the first of the symbols. This immediately caught my attention. The human jumped again, planting both feet onto the ground, before jumping again with just one. The human alternated quickly between these motions before finishing. Murphy slapped his palms together loudly (this is a human expression of appreciation, of what I am unsure) and the other human expressed happiness, and nodded at Murphy before going on their way.

The next human who came along was conversing with a non-human crew member, but stopped the conversation to do the same action as the previous human. The action was completed exceptionally quicker, which lead Murphy to again slap his palms together.

I watched for the next hour as most of the human crew members who came across the etched symbols did more or less the same action, jumping across the squares until they reached the far side of the drawing. Murphy, who had been keeping count, proudly declared that out of the 20 humans who passed the etchings, 14 had partook in the strange jumping ritual.

“What is the significance of this?” I asked Murphy, who raised and lowered his shoulders (this is a non-committal gesture among humans), “I dunno, I guess I’m bored.”

I’ve found that for the most odd of human behaviors, boredom seems to be a common motivator.

End of log.

Previous Entry:

Things I think aliens would find cute/endearing about humans: Part 2

been binge reading all those alien meet human posts recently and it made me wonder how aliens would react to human fear/hurt.

humans are fragile.

humans are fragile and somehow, by attitude alone they somehow manage to outgrow the confines of their physical bodies. Their bravery and intelligence make them seem so so much bigger than they actually are. Fancy weapons and body Armour and their ability to work in groups up to such an extreme makes them seem like they’re more than they are. They’ll packbond with anything too- too friendly for their own good somehow it never comes back to bite them.

But they really are just flesh and bone and heart under all that armour.

Imagine a human gets hurt. They get hurt and they get scared. So, so scared that they won’t let anyone near them. It was like watching a wild animal, primal and instinctual in a way that humans rarely ever show. Sure, they get protective but they still keep their head on, still think it through. But they were just doing things right now- punching things with a bony fist that looked somehow smaller now. Humans make ot a point to go against anything that should be their nature, seeing them lean into that deep seated natural instinct to fight was chilling to say the least.

Keep reading

Humans are strange - willing hosts? (pets)

(This is just me exploring the idea of how it would go if someone requested permission to get a dog) (ft no names again bc I can’t be bothered rn)

Edit: upon rereading this in the morning I’ve realized that the idea was floating around my head bc the post I reblogged before this so credit for inspo to them

—-

Alien: Human.

Human: Yes?

Alien: Why have you requested permission to obtain a parasite?

Human: ….I haven’t????

Alien: Ooh have I perhaps been mistaken? You were not the one who requested a small lifeform of the Canis lupus familiaris classification from your home planet be brought aboard?

Human: ….What’s the common name for that classification?

Alien: Domestic dog

Human: Wait yeah that was me then… but they’re not parasites?

Alien: There is no need to lie to me human for I have done the research.

Alien: You poor creatures have been subjected to harrasment from these lifeforms occupying your homes for far too long and I have been lead to understand that your species does not benefit from them.

Human: …. no wait we do benefit

Alien: Some of you do, having the creatures assist you with minute tasks, but the majority those who are being subjected to their exist are in parasitic relationships simply providing them with food and housing.

Human:…. Actually they do provide a essential service to all the people housing them.

Alien: And what is that???

Human: They make us happy

Alien:…. Is this the stockhold symdrome I have heard of?

Human: What no

Human: where did you even hear about that haha

Alien: That is unimportant. What is important is that you are safe here human, there is no need to return to a parasitic relationship.

Human: No I was being serious about them making us happy

Human: well, to explain it better they generally help us be more emotionally stable which is positive for our mental health

Alien: Oh I see, I will have to ensure that no occupants aboard the ship would be harmed by sharing the space with a ‘dog’ first, but I may approve your request then.

_____

(Continuation because I had an idea)

Alien: unfortunately, upon futher review it appears atleast one member of the ship is, as your species would put it, 'allergic’ to 'dogs’ so your request has been denied.

Human: Aww, that sucks. Well, thanks for letting me know anyways.

Alien: ….this came as a suprise to you?

Human: Not really, I mean I kind of figured at least one person aboard would probably be allergic.

Alien: NOT REALLY??? HUMAN YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WOULD BE HARMED BY THE ADDITION OF A 'DOG’ TO THE SHIP! YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON’S PAPERWORK I CHECKED FOR ANY ALLERGENS AND ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS ON THERE WAS THE WORD 'DOGS’!

Alien: I MEAN REALLY WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD LEAD YOU TO REQUEST TO BRING ABOARD A LIFEFORM WHOSE EXISTENCE YOU ARE ALLERGIC TOOO?

Human: OOHH RIGHT, I forgot I put that on there. I’m not really that allergic anyways I just tend to get a bit of a runny nose and a few hives.

Human: I actually had one named Web growing up and I’m still here aren’t I?

Human: As for why I want one the reason I gave you still stands lol, it would just make me happy.

Alien:….

Human:…..

Human: Soooo, if i’m the only person on board who is allergic, can we get one? :)

Alien: NO.

You know how certain tastes allow you to know that you shouldn’t eat something, though humans are weird so we do it anyways?

Was thinking how certain foods are bad for animals, like citrus foods

What if aliens’ sense of taste indicated things that could kill them

What if to aliens the entire flavor profile we call sour meant poison

What if a human walked up to one of these aliens and took a bite out of a lemon slice without breaking eye contact

Could be a dominance move, a lead into a prank, or just being oblivious that from the aliens’ point of view the human was attempting suicide right in front of them when the human is just a weirdo who eats lemons

These are the things I think of when I should be sleeping

Please elaborate on this idea if you want to

Humans are strange - willing hosts? (pets)

(This is just me exploring the idea of how it would go if someone requested permission to get a dog) (ft no names again bc I can’t be bothered rn)

Edit: upon rereading this in the morning I’ve realized that the idea was floating around my head bc the post I reblogged before this so credit for inspo to them

—-

Alien: Human.

Human: Yes?

Alien: Why have you requested permission to obtain a parasite?

Human: ….I haven’t????

Alien: Ooh have I perhaps been mistaken? You were not the one who requested a small lifeform of the Canis lupus familiaris classification from your home planet be brought aboard?

Human: ….What’s the common name for that classification?

Alien: Domestic dog

Human: Wait yeah that was me then… but they’re not parasites?

Alien: There is no need to lie to me human for I have done the research.

Alien: You poor creatures have been subjected to harrasment from these lifeforms occupying your homes for far too long and I have been lead to understand that your species does not benefit from them.

Human: …. no wait we do benefit

Alien: Some of you do, having the creatures assist you with minute tasks, but the majority those who are being subjected to their exist are in parasitic relationships simply providing them with food and housing.

Human:…. Actually they do provide a essential service to all the people housing them.

Alien: And what is that???

Human: They make us happy

Alien:…. Is this the stockhold symdrome I have heard of?

Human: What no

Human: where did you even hear about that haha

Alien: That is unimportant. What is important is that you are safe here human, there is no need to return to a parasitic relationship.

Human: No I was being serious about them making us happy

Human: well, to explain it better they generally help us be more emotionally stable which is positive for our mental health

Alien: Oh I see, I will have to ensure that no occupants aboard the ship would be harmed by sharing the space with a ‘dog’ first, but I may approve your request then.

So I’ve decided to finally contribute to the “Humans are space orcs thing.” I’ve seen other posts talk about pets but not dogs.

Just imagine a human hugging and petting a big dog, talking in a baby voice. I’m willing to bet the aliens would be terrified because this creature has sharp teeth, killer instincts, and better sense than us. But we cuddle them and treat them like sweet little things (because they so are).

Dogs are also crazy hunters, and I can picture an alien running from one, scared to death, and the sweet pup just thinks it’s playtime.

Exhibit A-

(Human) Ann was sitting in the cafeteria on the ship. Just eating soup and chilling. Meylok runs in, screaming in the alien equivalent. They jump on top of the counter while Ann’s dog, Jesse, runs around with his tail wagging.

“That creature is trying to attack me!” Meylok says, crouched in a defense position.

Ann sighs, stands up, and says, “No, he just wants to play.” Then she runs after the dog, getting him even more hyped up.

They run in circles around the room for a bit while Meylok cowers on the counter. Eventually, Jesse turns around and jumps on Ann, knocking her down. Ann laughs as the dog licks her face.

“Meylok, I promise, it’s fine. He won’t hurt you.” She reassures him while sitting up, still petting Jesse.

“You’re sure?”

“100%.”

Meylok climbs down and cautiously walks towards the dog, who’s now sitting, tail thumping on the tile floor.

“He won’t bite,” Ann says, “Unless there’s danger.”

Ann shows Meylok how to pet Jesse, who, after five seconds, tackles the alien to the ground and begins licking their face. Ann laughs.

“Dogs are great pets,” Ann informs them, helping Meylok up, “ And great predators. They have better senses than humans and killer instincts. But, if you give ‘em food, they’ll love you.”

“I don’t think I’m a fan of dogs.”

“Well, there are smaller versions, but they are nippy.”

“What’s-” They get cut off by a small chihuahua who runs into the cafeteria, nipping at Meylok. They run out and Ann laughs.

Her partner, Winston, walks in, seeing Meylok run out, his chihuahua chasing them.

“What’s up with that?” They both laugh and live a happily ever after.

(is Humans Are Space Orcs still alive?)

Aliens have been around for about a year, and this one has an Audhd roommate.

A:Ah! Human! Come, I’m making tea! But be careful, the kettle is still on.

H:Mh, alright.

H:…I’m gonna touch it. *Human announces while reaching fingie to the kettle.*

A:Wha- HUMAN NO!

TEN MINUTES LATER

A:*Sips iced tea before pausing* Did we learn our lesson?

H:*Is forced to wait for tea to cool down* …yeah.

A:Good, it is not wise to- HUMAN WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!

H:*is chugging near boiling hot tea at a rapid pace*

(not stereotyping I wrote this based on my experience and being told somethings too hot)

Humans and rules

When I was first assigned to work with humans I did as I would with any new species and researched their customs.

What I found was a bewilderingly huge list of rules. Not just the usual atmospheric and dietary rules, but complex customs, beliefs, security, and safety. There was too much to take in.

Surely, a species with so many complex rules must be bureaucrats and negotiators. Why would an exploration team need beings suited to treaties and trade deals?

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Humans are average at everything

And that makes other species crazy

“You swim well for your limb configuration but you will never be as fast in water as a Majoriranji.”

Mo agreed with a nod. “They have fins, it’s an unfair contest really.”

“Nacbaqurs climb cliffs better than humans.”

“Longer limbs, more fingers, that’s no surprise. I know some elite climbers who could keep up but mostly ture enough.”

“Chexits run much faster.”

“Ah,” Mo raised a finger. “They run on four legs, different configuration, unfair comparison. ”

“My point is still valid. And you don’t fly either.”

“Mmm, no,” Mo stopped to consider that one. “I don’t think we have a winged ancestor. I have been sky diving, though, so I’m sure we missed out there.”

“Sky diving? No, I have no wish to know. My question is this, why are you so feared? You cannot swim like a Majoriranji, or climb like a Nacbaqur, or run like a Chexit. Can you do anything special? Why should anyone be scared of humans?”

“Is that why you captured us? That’s what you want to know?” Mo smiled as he leaned back in his chair. He had been afraid. Now he was amused.

He knew rescue was on the way. Just before the invaders managed to grab him and the other researchers, they were able to send a distress call. The Earth Alliance took attacks on their people seriously, they knew swift responses discouraged casual piracy.

“Okay, you’ll probably be dead soon anyway so I’ll give you a freebie. We’re not the fastest swimmers, but most of us can swim and dive, and we can all hold our breath. We’re not the fastest climbers, but our ancestors lived in trees, tall canopy plants, we can all climb. We’re not the fastest runners, but we’re not bad in a sprint, and we’ll still be going hours after your fancy fast runners have collapsed and died of exhaustion. We don’t have to be the best at one thing when we can be pretty good at just about everything.”

Humans find ways to enjoy the most dangerous things ever.

Alien: Welcome human, to our space craft.

Human: Thank you for having me. Oh. Is that a fish?

Alien: *taps the tank* Indeed. Poisonous and causes the most painful death known to us.

Human: Ah. So, what does it taste like?

Alien: …sorry?

Human: Does it taste good when cooked?

Alien: I-it’s in a heavily guarded tank-

Human: Yeah but- OH. I’M SO SORRY.

Alien: Y-yeah- I was so confused-

Human: It’s a pet! I’m so sorry. I must have seemed so insensitive.

Alien: What? No! We’re researching it. R-E-S-E-A-R-C-H

Human: Oh ok. But surely, you’ve found a way to make it a delicacy.

Alien: NO! Next thing I know, you might ask how our venomous reptiles will taste. Like the Produlator.

Human: Oh. The snake looking thing? Pretty sure the human restaurant down the street serves it. Really good.

Alien: …I’m voting for all of you to be sent back to your planet.

I don’t know if anyone said this before, but, I think the one thing that would put the fear of an alien god into an alien would be just how territorial humans are.

Humans generally have small territories tightly packed against others, sometimes even on top of each other. They are social creatures, after all, and seem to enjoy inviting each other to their territories that might even contain other species!

So, you would think they would welcome other visitors, right?

Wrong. Humans are wildly territorial to the point even something as harmless as a fruit fly is murdered on sight. Then, surely they must allow other predators that repel such creatures, right? Wrong again, even ‘useful’ ones likes spiders are shown no mercy.

Alien: I apologize but I’m struggling to grasp this concept. You said you killed that arachnid as there was a possibility it could come in contact with your sleeping quarters. Doesn’t your feline companion frequent there? I’m sure it couldn’t do more damage than an apex predator?

Human: Uhh, okay let me rephrase that; it isn’t about coming in contact with my stuff. It’s about me allowing it. Mr. Pickle Jar is allowed to be here and touch my things, that spider isn’t. So, it needs to die.

Alien, writing DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE in big bold letters in the notepad: Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing.

I found humans are space orcsblr.

I have always liked Humans are Space Orcs. It is funny.

But so many posts are like

Alien: *notices weird thing about human*
Alien: *asks about it*
Human: *responds as if normal activity*
Alien: wtf

And I just can’t help but unsuspend the universal translator disbelief. Like, yeah, it’s easy to say you could change one sound to another so that aliens who physically couldn’t make human language sounds can still communicate, but consider:

Aliens who can’t make noises at all.

Aliens who can’t see so sign language isn’t a thing.

Aliens with no sense of touch so even haptics are impossible.

Imagine aliens who communicate by smell (something that happens on earth with some animals) or taste. Aliens who sense different kinds of radiation and communicate that way. Imagine humans are completely incompatible with alien species because we don’t have the organ that senses gamma rays. Like, we take ears for granted because everything on earth can hear (if not disabled). But in the void of space, there is no sound—what if no one is listening, not because they’re not there or because they don’t care, but because we’re talking at a blind person in ASL?

There are so many cool options for communication for aliens—temperature, pressure, microwaves, electric signals, you name it. Like, imagine a species that communicated by the physical sensation of wind.

And, like, you might think, “how could an alien communicate in radiation? There’s radiation all around and we don’t sense it. Plus, there’s so much of it, there’d be no way to tell it apart from natural radiation!” But then consider. We communicate in vibrations of fluids. There’s vibrations all around, and we can sense them all—yet we still manage to pick out human sounds from nonhuman sounds, and distinguish between!

Imagine in head.

Alien, learning how use a sound interpreting machine, being excited with being able to identify a human sound from a mess of nonhuman sounds. Then, realizing that not only can we do this effortlessly, we can tell one human’s sounds apart from another, even if we’ve barely met them. We can make patterns of this incomprehensible gibberish, much in the same way our alien can determine which of their friend’s protons are being reamalgamated.

Then.

Humans have their own unique “voice” in other alien languages, much in the same way aliens would still make sounds just from moving around. Or reactions we didn’t even know we had because we can’t sense them, like alien purrs they couldn’t tell they were making because they don’t have ears.

Just something to think about.

Humans are weird - Laughter

Basically just: what if aliens aren’t used to laughter (ft- no names bc idk what ocs this would apply to)

___

Alien: -and that is how I found out that the hair on some humans heads is actually something called a wig and that I hadn’t accidentally somehow shocked them into losing all their head hair

Human:*bursts out laughing* Oh my god

Alien: HUMAN ARE YOU ALRIGHT? ARE YOU CHOKING?

Human : *laughing even harder at the misunderstanding* YEAH NO *WHEEZING*DON’T WORRY

Alien: SAYING YEAH NO IS NOT VERY REASSURING…

Alien: OH MY LORDS YOUR FACE IS TURNING RED! HUMAN???

*meanwhile the human is slowly making their way towards the ground wheezing because their legs are giving out*

Alien: I HAVEN’T RESEARCHED HOW TO PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER YET THIS IS THE WOOORST TIME FOR THIS

Human: *through wheezing* I swear I’m alright

Alien:I’LL GO GET A DOCTOR HOLD ON *already heading through the door* DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW TO DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER???-

*a few minutes later*

Alien:… so you’re telling me that humans just sometimes get so amused that their lungs spasm and they struggle to breath???

Human: *still kinda giggling* yes

Alien:… Well I guess that is good to know. I’ll try to avoid being too amusing in the future.

Human: nooo, laughing is a positive thing

Alien: -STRUGGLING TO BREATH IS POSITIVE???

The Many Uses for Earth Fruits

“Right,” said Paint, placing her scaly hands on the cafe table as if bracing herself for something unpleasant. “How do you eat these?”

I told her, “Well, you take the peel off first,” and picked up a banana.

“Okay, good to know. Glad I asked.” She lifted another gingerly, testing its softness with a claw and watching to see what I did. “So it just pops open?”

“If you do it quickly, yes,” I said. “And if it’s ripe. Moving too slowly will just squish it. Helps if you dig a fingernail in a little first. A claw.”

She followed my instructions while the sounds of the space station food court echoed around us. It wasn’t too crowded, but we’d picked a table next to the ramp down into the area, which felt more out of the way. Paint didn’t want to get her tail stepped on, and I didn’t want an elbow to the head while eating. Some of the people here were big.

“I got it!” Paint exclaimed, her lizardy face lit up with delight. “So you just eat this part?”

“Yep!” I said, demonstrating by taking a bite of my own banana. It was a little too green for my taste, but not bad.

Paint bit off a chunk, leaving sharp toothmarks behind. She chewed a couple times, then stopped and wrinkled her lizardy face in a fascinating way.

Keep reading

Dude, dude.. do you think we’re the only sentient mammalian species in the universe?

Do you think the asteroid that hit our planet is an experience no other alien species has had to endure?

Correct me for any misguided information, I am in no way an anthropist or paleontologist; but imagine if we were the only planet to have had such a catastrophic event like a massive asteroid hitting us and surviving? Back then, when dinosaurs still roamed, everything was absolutely huge. Ancestors of animals we know today like bugs, alligators, sloths, etc were 10x the size of their present descendants. And that’s most likely because of the extra oxygen, caused by the additionally supervised plants.

But the asteroid wiped all that out. It’s impact killed all the large plants and animals- reducing the oxygen levels and driving smaller creatures into the ground. Including our mammalian ancestors, which is what makes us so small and probably has affected our crappy physical evolution. Theories were made of what the world would be like if the asteroid never struck. If we would be much larger due to the oxygen, if we’d share the planet with other intelligent creatures, if dinosaurs would still walk the earth. But the most likely probability is that we wouldn’t come to exist in the first place. The asteroid was our chance to expand our numbers without our natural predators keeping down our populations. With massive reptiles dominating the world, it’s likely mammals would’ve never had the chance to develop intelligence like humans have- or maybe we would’ve been killed to extinction first. And what’d take our place would be the evolution of intelligent reptiles instead.

Imagine what this would be like for aliens, if they have planet structures similar to our own. They’d probably be dominated by evolved reptilian-like species too. Maybe they have endangered mammals, or maybe they’re completely extinct on their planets because of sinilar faults of nature. Maybe seeing such small, unstable, oddly evolved creatures having survived this long because of a massive catastrophe that should’ve wiped out our planet would fascinate them. Maybe it’d terrify them. That we have gotten to our current state by sheer luck and force of will. Who knows. But I doubt our experience would be considered the norm in space.

Humans are a bad influence

Human: It really is an amazing coincidence…

Ztsaxhi: Hey guys, the food replicator glitched out and gave me way more food than it should. Want some? It’s kind of like human “chips.”

Käfavayarlop: Is it safe for my species?

Ztsaxhi: Let me check… no poisons but…oh damn, the food guide says it has capsaicin that’s painful for you. Sorry.

Human: Ooh, Let me have some then!

Ztsaxhi: Go ahead.

Käfavayarlop: But wait, weren’t we just saying that Käfavayarlopen and humans have weirdly similar taste buds—

Human *bites into chip*: Wow! Hggh, that is— REALLY spicy! You were not kidding about capsaicin.

Ztsaxhi: Are you okay?

Human: Fine! It’s actually good, I swear. *eats the rest of the chip*

Käfavayarlop: Your face is turning red.

Human: Yeah, capsaicin does cause pain, that’s the spiciness, but it’s a good kind of pain. It adds to the flavor. *takes another chip*

Ztsaxhi: So “spiciness” is just pain?

Human: Kind of. It's—It’s an acquired taste.

Käfavayarlop: …I want to try.

Ztsaxhi: No!

Human: Let them! Though I will warn you this is not beginner friendly.

Käfavayarlop: *bites* Sacred Gonork! My mouth is on fire!

Human: You good?

Käfavayarlop: No. *takes another bite*

Ztsaxhi: No, don’t keep eating it!

Käfavayarlop: But it’s good.

Human: Is bovine milk safe for them? We probably need it.

Ztsaxhi: I’ll check, yes it is. Wait, is this what all those jokes about humans pairing Ztsaxhi cuisine with milk are about?

Human: Yeah, it helps with the pain.

Ztsaxhi: Why would you even eat food that hurts you?

Human and Käfavayarlop: It’s an acquired taste.

I wonder if aliens would have their own version of the haso posts.

Like just imagine how a conversation would go between a tiny, fluffy, little alien and a human if they found the aliens old posts about being a ‘apex predator’

Things I think aliens would find cute/endearing about humans: Part 2

*pat pat*

ALT

Uuvadas | Log ○■ɛ: more odd human behavior

I have observed a gesture that seems to be shared among the humans aboard this vessel.

I first noticed the gesture while assisting with offloading supplies. I watched my human crewmate heave a crate of lightfuel (they posses decent strength despite their short stature and generally fragile bodies) and set it down. After this was completed, the human tapped the top of the crate with an open palm twice. I thought the human was attempting to draw my or another crewmate’s attention, but that was not so.

I again observed this phenomenon when another human crewmate approached large, stacked bags of mol-powder in the store-room, and struck the top bag twice before grabbing what they needed and leaving the room. This seemed to be more of an impulsive behavior. I tried it myself, and now have a habit of striking the bags whenever I enter the store-room.

ALT

Humans also seem to use this gesture when indicating something, I often see it amid conversation, where they again tap their open palms or fingers against their communication tablets while saying “Yes, I received the message,” or something of the like.

Alas, I am delighted to report that humans also practice this gesture on each other. I saw one human crewmate gently tap another twice on its back, and the human who received the tap began to glow. It was very interesting.

Surprisingly enough, the humans have also taken to demonstrating this gesture on me. If they are high up enough, they will tap their palms on my head. They seem to take immense joy in this specifically. Mostly, however, I myself am tapped on my appendages.

ALT

Human behavior fascinates and delights me endlessly.

End of log.

Part 1:

Things I think aliens would find cute/endearing about humans Part 1

Humans are weird

So you know how when you become friends with someone long enough, you start to sound like them? Like you kinda mimic their speech patterns? What if aliens don’t have that?

Friends?

I do this to anyone I’m around.

I go from sounding like a Canadian to sounding like I immigrated from China cause of two of my coworkers

They find it funny and are trying to get me to combine their accents into one.

Don’t even get me started around southern redneck voices, I slip back into my original Boomhauer voice.

The most unrealistic part about humans in space is that the average human knows why their body reacts the way it does.

Dont get me wrong, i love how they explain things that shock an alien, but most humans, atleast americans, do not know what happens to make their foot fall asleep.

They know that if you keep it in one place too long it will, but not that if you sit on it too long the nerves get compressed and cuts off from your brain for a couple minutes.

Of course if you went through a program that required you to know things about humans that could be potentially dangerous to other life forms then you may know things, but after a couple years or so when there isn’t a requirement to do that because of trade with other species, i like to think that something like this happens.

Human: *sitting in a chair with one leg over the other, listening to their xorgog friend talk*

Xorgog: -and so I never got to eat my special tsu’le cake. Oh look at the time, I better head to my pod.

Human: Oh dang, lemme walk you out then bud! *goes to stand up only to fall back in the chair* Agh! Dammit!

Xorgog: *worried* What! What happened?

Human: *waving him off* it’s fine, my foot just fell asleep. Just give me a second and i can get up.

Xorgog: *confused af* what do you mean ‘fell asleep’? I thought you were one organism, not multiple?

Human: Oh, well when humans have their limbs in one place too long, when you go to move it gets numb.

Xorgog: *horrified* How?!

Human: *shrugs as he shakes his leg* I dunno man! It’s fine though, i just gotta shake it to wake up and it’ll have a tingly feeling, which hurts like a bitch, then it’ll be back to normal. No biggie.

Xorgog: ….humans are weirdly terrifying.

Human: *shrug* whatever you say man.

Humans are weird - life expectancy

Quinn always found the idea of figuring out how they would spend their time if they only had two-hundred years to live to be an interesting hypothetical. There were animals out there who lived such short lifespans after all, though none of the ones they had encountered had the mental capacity to develop long-term goals, but if they could what would they choose to do? It was one of their favorite questions to ask to get to know someone, what they prioritize.

Or at least it was until they met Edith, a researcher part of a species that had just barely begun their existence as space-faring creatures, more importantly: a species that struggled to even make it to a hundred, let alone two-hundred years old.

…The end of her first day was rather awkward, I mean how could they have possibly known that that species would just so happen to be the first ones with such a short lifespan that had managed to make it into space.

Lords it was awful, remembering it still makes them wish they had the same memory issues as the Soweps

—-

After being shown around the Cultural-Exchange Station, (C.S. for short), Edith decided to go join Quinn in the Lounge. A good, casual chat to get to know one of the people she would be spending at least the next few years with seemed like a good way to spend her first day aboard. What could possibly go wrong? It wasn’t like there was much else she could do, unfortunately. Quinn had made it quite clear that she didn’t have to couldn’t start work until the next week, something about giving her time to ‘get settled before entrusting her with a position on the team’.

Under normal circumstances, that would’ve been great… but now? After she just spent a week trapped alone on a ship without the ability to do anything productive? She’d be damned if she was going to spend another minute of her day just sitting around alone in an unfamiliar bedroom with weird furniture. Fixing her room could wait until tomorrow. She just had to go do something, anything that wasn’t using her sitting by herself in that room. She walked over to one of the terminals to pull up the way to the lounge, or at least what she assumed was the lounge given the fact that nothing was labelled, before heading off to find Quinn. Hoping that her horrible sense of direction wouldn’t embarrass her on her very first day.

She made off towards the general direction of the area on the map, passing by numerous rooms with widely different appearances from one that seemed oddly… cave-like? to another that would fit in more in an aquarium than it does a space station, or atleast what you’d expect in a human one anyways. Turning the corner into the maze of long corridors, Edith continued straight, which luckily, was in fact the way to the main lounge area.

Edith: “Hi Quinn!” She shouted from halfway across the room as she walked towards the couch they were sitting on.

Quinn: Hey, did you need something?

*Carefully choosing her spot to not make them uncomfortable, Edith sat on the other side of the couch*

Edith: Nope, I just wanted to walk around a bit. Get to know everyone better and stretch my legs a bit more, you know?

Quinn: Oh okay that’s cool…. How’s setting up your room going?

Edith: I haven’t started yet. I’m still thinking about where I’m going to put everything.

Quinn: Not at all because you’re procrastinating???

Edith: *GASP* How could you accuse me of such a thing? I would never~~~

Quinn:… That reminds me I never got around to asking,

How would you spend your life if you only had 200 years to live?

Edith: where did that come from?

Quinn: We were talking about procrasination and that got me thinking about time which made me remember I didn’t ask you about how’d you’d spend 200 years. It’s just something I ask everyone.

Quinn:…sooo I know it ’s a really short amount of time but how would you spend it?

Edith: short???

Quinn: Yeah??? Am I missing something here?

Edith: …. Humans generally only live 80ish years naturally. Like at most some people make it into their hundreds but that’s extremely rare

Quinn: ….oh

Edith: …. yeaaah

Quinn: I just remembered I actually have to go work on some very long paperwork- *They rush to get up, nearly tripping over their own legs* -I’ll see you later! *They continued as they started speed walking away, the look on their face told her that they’d probably be running if it wouldn’t make things more awkward*

Edith could barely stop herself from bursting out laughing at the scene… She’d have to tease them about that later….

Hmmm…..Good ways to answer how’d she’d spend 200 years???

….Annoying them?

Well She’d have plently of time to think about it while she unpacked.

____

Side note: This was going to be an angsty conversation between the two of them but the second I started writing the first bit the idea of it being one of the first questions Quinn asked Edith popped into my head and it just took on it’s own life so I hope you enjoyed this instead :)

Blog intro

Hey, I’m Chamomile (she/they) this is where I’ll post updates about the haso game/project I’m working on

Things I might post about on here include but aren’t limited to

• character designs
• short writen scenes (which will also go on posts-from-pluto)
• Soundtrack (towards the later part of the project bc I have 0 experience with that rn)
• Polls (for when I’m being indecisive about something)
• anything else pertaining to the game that I haven’t thought of

Humans are the LATEST Space Orcs from the Earth

Okay, I’ve had this idea floating around in my head for a while now, and I have to get it out before it drives me up a wall.What if Death worlds like Earth aren’t all that uncommon and do, in fact, produce complex life that leads to at least ONE space-faring civilization during it’s Goldy-Locks phase (weather it’s native or via colonization).

What if what makes Earth so relatively unique is the fact that Humans are only the LATEST over the past few billion-ish years?

Just think: Galactic Aeons measured not necessarily in Celestial, Galactic or Political events, but in the latest species from Earth reaching the stars? An event that happens with a relatively predictable timescale and with astounding regularity that the galaxy can set an approximately 100 million year (+/- 20 million year) Aeons for everything?

I mean, there’s the whole Oslo Fission reactor (A naturally occurring nuclear reactor, currently thought to be the result of ironically precise, though naturally-occurring processes) that was active about 2 Billion YA; so what if that was merely the first species? Granted, those inhabitants came from another planet and had colonized the Earth’s early shallow oceans (Along with the next several cultures), but they had genetically modified themselves to survive here.

Now, imagine what sets Human Kind apart from everyone else that came from the earth, is that we arrived about 20 million years early. Humans are roughly-everything that our predecessors estimated that we would be like, with a few surprises here and there (which is to be expected from the Earth). In fact, our arrival is so early and sudden, that it throws the entire galaxy into chaos!

I mean, we all know about the K-T extinction (which killed off the non-avian dinosaurs). So, what if a space-faring society was born of one of those lineages? What if the asteroid that crashed in the Yucatan was a space station built into the body of an asteroid (maybe an old mining colony turned space-port?) that was knocked out of it’s orbit? It doesn’t matter weather or not it was intentional, it happened, and they left the Earth as a consequence, and then stayed away because of Galactic Law?

Now, here comes the Humans. The latest children of the infamous Death World…and we’re so early, that a few of the verifiable descendants of the non-avian dinosaurs are still around?

Things I think aliens would find cute/endearing about humans Part 1

Sleeping

Alien 1: Dude look at it

Alien 2: Leave me alone

Alien 1: But look it what it’s doing

Human: *asleep in break room*

Alien 2:

Alien 2: Is it dead?

Alien 1: I thought it was but no. I checked and… it just…does that. It bundles itself up and then plays dead. Sometimes it makes noises, ugh I can’t take it.

Alien 2: How long is it gonna do that for?

Alien 1: A while. My theory is that since their brains have almost as much processing power as ours, their fragile bodies can’t handle all of the stress, so they have to do that. Isn’t it the cutest?

Alien 2: All I’m thinking is that I’m glad we don’t have to waste our time doing whatever that is. Imagine how far behind we’d be.

Alien 1: But it’s so cute. Sometimes they even change their clothes for it. They put on soft things, then lay on a bigger, softer thing–

Alien 2: Oh my god shut up

Alien 1: And when they start to wanna do it they open their mouths super wide and–

Human, woken up: Hey, what the fuck are you two doing

Alien 2: *walks away*

Alien 1: *bombards human with questions*