things to say after fucking up egregiously

• pack it up boys we’ve made a social blunder
• let’s run that again
• one more time normal style
• I’m going to become a statistic
• further proof god is out to get me
• it’s because I tore my acl senior year
• I couldn’t do it for religious reasons
• my ex took my talent in the divorce
• good thing nobody saw that (said directly to someone who definitely saw it)

homuwitch

my only crimes were loving too much and confusing love with violence and so also extreme violence too i guess also i stole a few things too

its called house of leaves because you leaves the house

GO FERB GO!!!🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

Well, you know what they say; Rome was built in a day, and if you’re going any slower than that, you’re basically fucked with no hope at all

yippeeee! *dives into my bed at the exact right angle that i phase through the molecules entering the fabled bedtime dimension and become cozy forever*

Customer Service

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that’s its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

BABA IS FUCKING WISH

I want for you to stand proud. We’re all real skeletons. Can you believe it? Real skeletons. Not like the skeletons in movies. Real ones. Every one of us. Our life is built on miracles

i’m not addicted to fancy restaurant. my boyfriend can stop making reservations whenever he wants [cuts to a scene in the future] [he is trapped in a torturous maze

hearing a beloved friend say the words ‘can i be mean for a sec’ is like watching an angel descend from the heavens and kiss you on the forehead

trying to write a fic but i get frustrated bc i dont write like a 50+ years of experience in writing nobel in literature winner writer

I go on Tumblr, I feel basic. I go out into the real world and people look at me like I fell out of a ufo

My favorite one yet- heres the creator

“would 14-year old you be proud of you?” listen, i’m not here to impress a mentally ill child

Young people don’t know when I joined this website a decade and a half ago we used to have to walk to the post button and back and it was uphill both ways

Everyone in the notes being like oh yeah the reblog button used to be at the top of the post and you had to scroll back to the top I forgot about that I was just shit posting 😭 how could I forget after my first reblog of Colors of the sky

and of course remember

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Your fat body is not a placeholder for a “better” you. It IS you. And you deserve love and respect NOW.

wolf comic

Today I woke up at 2 AM. Instead of falling back asleep my brain decided to conjure up these images which haunted my mind palace until properly expelled

my dealer: got some straight gas. this strain is called “daylight savings time” youll be zonked out of your gourd

Me: yeah whatever. i dont feel shit.

1 hour and 5 minutes later: dude I swear it’s only been 5 minutes

my friend the oven, pacing: the smart devices are lying to us

yeah sure i’ll reblog that

day barely even started and I already had to hear “thank you for being our wives, sisters, aunts” and “keep being women and giving birth and being delicate unlike us men” as compliments for international women’s day

here’s to women being transgender childless dykes forever and ever and ever