i’m growing up so slowly.
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Did you guys know hair dye si so gross to touxh ohh my god but i ddint hae gloves . J look bloodstained tho! So that evokes smthn in me
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Fan entry delayed as two people killed in fatal shooting near course, Ludvig Aberg, leaderboard, video
A fatal shooting that left two people dead prompted tournament organisers to delay the entry of fans at the Players Championship ahead of the third round on Saturday.
St John County Sheriff’s Office in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, said two people were shot and killed in a shooting that occurred late on Friday about a mile from TPC Sawgrass.
The suspect in the slayings subsequently fled on to the…
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2026/03/15
I saw a video yesterday of a girl who talks about love and wanting to be picked. It wasn’t exactly talking to my situation but there was a lot of overlap.
For the past…14 years? I’ve been chasing male validation. I’ve been telling myself for years to work out to get the ideal body that men desire. I started dressing more in trend at the end of high school because I realize I dressed differently from everyone else and thought that made me weird. I got lasik 4 years ago because I thought it would make me more attractive.
I hate photos of myself. I view myself through a lens of male beauty. I know what looks good in men and I simultaneously hold high expectations for men I find attractive and hold myself to that same standard.
I am not sure I have ever met that standard.
For the past decade or so I’ve though that dating is the one area in life where you need to consider what other people think about you. Before I ever thought about dating, I never cared about my looks. I recall in middle school being asked by a classmate why I was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie to school and I responded “Because it’s comfy. What else would I wear?” and genuinely not understanding why she would ask that question.
When I look at others, I don’t usually hold them to this standard. Not unless it’s on a dating app. I look at them as people. I don’t look at a skinny guy and think he’s ugly. I don’t look at a guy wearing glasses or wearing unconventional clothing as ugly. They are not ugly, they are just being themselves. You don’t need to be beautiful, or desirable, or picked by someone to be loveable. To be worthy.
In the gay dating world, I would argue it’s almost expected that your desirability is your social currency. But even if that is true, it doesn’t mean I have no value if I’m not meeting my own perceived expectation of desirability.
I have objective facts supporting this. D in Taipei liked me. That Filipino guy from my last trip liked me. Both of them very attractive. Tons of men on apps even now message me telling me they like my body. But because I don’t get attention from the small subset of people I desire, I internalize the fact that I am undesirable and thus, ugly and have no value. I have no currency.
Why do I have to wait for a man of my exacting requirements to like me, in order to feel validation? It can’t be any man, it has to be a specific one I like. And it can’t be one in the past, but one nebulous one in the future I haven’t met yet. Or a stranger on the internet who I know nothing about, who I deem to be attractive, to validate my level of desirability.
In the video, the girl says the first step is grieving my past. I’m not exactly sure how to do that, but I’ll try.
The me of the past was full of anxiety, depression, uncertainty, self-loathing, etc. I felt so lost in the world but looking back, I truly did accomplish a lot in my 20s. I tend to only think of my past in what I didn’t accomplish or what I lost (ex, not getting certain jobs, losing years to covid) vs what I did accomplish (traveling the world, living in multiple countries, learning whole new languages, learning to build my own PC, making so many friends, buying a home, etc.).
All throughout that time, I never really had romantic love. I got really close a few times, but nothing held. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I was unloveable or unworthy. I’m a double minority. I don’t have society encouraging my existence the same way it does in big and small ways for straight, white men. The world wasn’t made for people like me, but I still went out there and did what I thought was best.
The second step, according to the video, is unlearning. I’ve been on this path of trying to contort myself into ways that will make me the most attractive version of myself, but instead I should be focusing on what is best for myself. I’ve already started that journey with my habit tracker, I think.
As for my self worth, my sense of validation….I think I just need to start faking it till I make it. Friends and family have validated me before but it’s never really had a big impact on me. But a small thing I noticed recently is that when I pretend (or maybe just am?) confident about certain things, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like I genuinely believe I’m good with kids based off my teaching experience abroad, and this past weekend I hung out with MH and her husband while they babysat a friend’s kids and I was great with them, if I do say so myself. So I think to an extent I need to start talking more positively about myself and believing that I can do things.
For most of my 20s I constantly said I didn’t know what I was doing and I felt lost in life. But that’s no longer true. I have lots of experience at work. I was able to pass these difficult certification exams and am fully qualified. I know how the organization works and am good at what I do. I choose to put in low effort based on my feelings about senior leadership and my views on labour, but that’s a different story. I know how to cook healthy, nutritious meals for myself and others. I know how to plan out my weeks in terms of getting errands and whatever else done. I know how to book trips across the world by myself. I know how to pay all the different types of taxes and who to call to get stuff fixed in my apartment when shit breaks. I know how to get official documents renewed and I know how to learn new things. I know a lot of fucking stuff. I don’t know everything. I don’t know the future and where I’ll end up. Will I live in the same city? Will I have a boyfriend? Will I be happy? Will I be content? I don’t have the answers to those questions but I know for sure that I am capable. I am capable of doing things and existing as a responsible adult in society.
I am so much more than a face on an app waiting to be swiped right.
I have accomplishments and so many more goals I want to achieve for myself. I want to continue to be healthy, physically and mentally. I want to continue to explore the world and see friends and do things that bring me joy. I want to learn languages and try out new endeavors that excite me.
I’m still going to put myself out there on the apps, from time to time. But I think moving forward the goal isn’t to find a life partner or even someone who will love me. I think the goal will just be to chat with cute guys that I think are interesting and see where it goes. I’ll still probably do hookups here and there but those are largely immaterial. None of these men have anything to offer me in terms of my goals. Oh my god, this is what people mean when they say de-center men, isn’t it?
Peace and love.
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working during a blizzard because fuck retail service workers, hash tag throw rocks at your local retail service workers!!! (i’m joking dont do this please god fuck)
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Genuinely makes me so hard I feel Sick when she asks me to do such little things for her lmfaoo
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Good night umblr dot com ill mose my mind some more another day im gonna try to be happy today was produtie i got a lot done just because i end it being bumm doesnt mean it was a wastee !!! Gratitud egratitude gratitude!!! Mindfulness and other junknnnn
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2026 NASCAR Cup Series entry list for Las Vegas Motor Speedway spring race
2026 NASCAR Cup Series entry list for Las Vegas Motor Speedway spring race
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2026 NASCAR Cup Series entry list for Las Vegas Motor Speedway spring race
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comedic irony of my favorite manga that was my lifeline in high school is ending with a rejection of all the genre typical lessons previously learned by the protagonist, instead concluding that it’s better to stay dreaming of happiness because real happiness will only disappoint you.
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i lowkey got outed in high school and sat with a group of annoying straight boys because i had mutual friends with them and one time one of them asked me, who wasn’t participating in their conversation, if i knew any it/its users. and i said “why are you asking me?” and it was really funny seeing him squirm but i let him off easy and said “jk i know why you’re asking me.” but i should have dragged it out. lol.
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Already saw you recreating everything that was ours. Was it ever? She loved me, she never loved me.
I went in today to sign some release forms at the police station. I told them I didn’t want anything back, I still needed to sign paper work to release it. I was forced to look at my blood stained kurta, the holes left in my clothes, my socks, blood everywhere. Before everything even settled. You recreated and replaced. Good on you. Good for you. I’m glad you’re happy and I’ll always be happy for you. I will never forgive you, you’re a cruel being, not a single cell of kindness ever lived in you. Everything good you questioned in me was not from sincerity but just your own projection of your own choices. I’ll be stuck untangling all of this for the rest of my life. I fell in love with a broken person, I too was broken. I’ll always be in love with you. I hope one day I can simply just acknowledge I loved you instead of still being in love with you.
Dear God, will this yearning ever end? Is it because I don’t want it to?