SEWLNA SCARF / LINE 1
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Decided to finally post some art lmao

Girl what the fuck.

Jesus is a crushed olive according to my church

Sipping on codeine fucking thot hoes

Sorry for going extinct for a while.

I am beginning to grow into the person I want to be, after finally achieving consciousness and self reflection, that is slowly turning into self love.

I have begun deconstructing from christianity, after finally finding a suitable path to go down.

I’m becoming a Hellenist, though that metamorphosis is proving a time intensive process. (An odd religion to go down in our modern era, I know, especially as an American.)

Ive begun gardening, and have had a very prolific first batch of seedlings.

I am taking back control of my life after the spiral of 2025; I feel as though I’ve woken from a deep wading slumber.

Perhaps I will share more, if you all wish to see my growth; all in due time.

Despite my instincts, it feels like patience is welling up from my blood.

Feel free to ask questions. I would like to answer those more often.

I hate when people who think they somebody like yellow text reels on instagram so that other people can see they liked them and are like capable of forming surface level thoughts, like bitch you arent who you think you are, and thats ok, its ok to be a loser just dont pretend to be a winner

the descriptions of life in evangelical Christianity, and coming out of it, are very spot-on in this interview! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-XZGWBtfmI

Need reassurance that you’re not the irredeemable sinner the church says you are?

Here’s a quick read from my Substack. Hope it helps.

Speaking Ill of the Dead (@speakingillofthedead)

Putting God First

Putting God First

This is one of the most confusing topics in Evangelical Fundamentalism, second only to, perhaps, the ‘Fear of the Lord.’ Everyone has their own opinion on what it means, and nobody really agrees on all of it. So it’s impossible for an autistic brain to have a definitive answer, which means that God could be angry with me all the time for not doing it right.

Because of the way my dad was – angry without a cause- I had transferred this fear onto God. If I wasn’t directly communicating with him, I kept a healthy distance because there was this possibility that he was mad at me. For example, ‘practicing the Presence’ while doing the dishes was not an option.

It was an elusive feeling – sometimes there and sometimes not, hard to explain and almost impossible to get rid of. Even though I read books that stated the opposite (After God’s Own Heart by Mike Bickle) and felt a call to believe something better, I couldn’t really get it into my heart. I couldn’t take that big of a risk.

The church I was attending with my husband had taken a turn toward preaching judgment (they liked the story in Acts where a couple of the early church members were killed on the spot.) It wasn’t just a single time, either. They brought it up like 3 times within 6 weeks, each time, egging my fear on to new heights. Yet when the time came to face their own family’s past sins, they hardened their hearts and refused. Alas, I’m getting distracted…

I think that was the heart of a lot of my anxiety in the church in the 10 -15 years after YWAM. The unpredictable nature of Christians paired with the unstable emotional territory of my youth. I wanted to do everything at that heightened level because of the passion and commitment awakened by the YWAM experience.

This was paired with the fact of my reduced functioning due to undiagnosed autism, and mental and physical illnesses. It meant I could pretty much never measure up to all that I was expected to do, including quiet times.

The fear of not ‘putting God first’ lead me to some unhealthy extremes of thought, which triggered anxiety, OCD and avoidance of people who had condemned me in the past. I couldn’t participate in my husband’s family church because they had judged me in the past and my heart was just shut. I would sit there with a lid on my soul and spirit, enduring the service until the end, unable to give, receive or participate. And he wouldn’t go anywhere else. He wouldn’t sit with me either. He always had to stand at the back. Even when we went to a new church, he would barely look at me, seek another seat. Anything to push me away, avoid the emotional intimacy of marriage.

And then there was the debate about when to do a quiet time. Was it morning, afternoon or night? One of the guest speakers in YWAM had said that morning was the best, and if you absolutely couldn’t manage that then they had really godly friends who would do it at night, so they had to grudgingly agree that was an acceptable second, but they didn’t know any godly person who did their quiet time in the afternoon. I can’t make this sh!t up. I was burdened by it for so long.

Then there was the amount of time one was expected to spend in suspended animation, empty and unmoving, unthinking, waiting on God. I guess there were some participatory elements, the overflow of intercession we were supposed to have every day for the entire world and then our family and friends and then our own intimate time with Him. But this crept into the territory of idolatry if we put our time with him second to ministry or only sought him for others’ sake.

I met one person who told me that because God requires a tenth of our income, He also requires a tenth of our time, which equalled 2 hours and 40 minutes (1/10th of 24h in their reckoning). My parents laughed and told me this was just bad math.

At the opposite extreme were my parents. My mom once got mad at me for trying to slide in some quick bible reading before I went horseback riding, while I waited for her to be ready to go. I hadn’t done my quiet time yet that day and something felt off. I was all ready, she had just told me I had 15 minutes to wait, so I sat on the stairs reading my bible, and somehow that was really wrong.

She admonished me “that’s NOT how you do your quiet time –“ “You fit it in between everything else you are doing. It can’t be the priority – it just fits in the cracks…”

But that never worked for me. I had to put him first to set my day aright. It was almost like an offering of cleansing. I love getting things done. We redemptive prophets are so satisfied by getting things done that it almost feels like a high. We run ahead and plan and then start making steps toward that plan. Because of the high potential for idolatry in this area, it helps us to offer the first of our day to God. When I was struggling to rebound from the worst of my Job season, the warfare was so strong that I couldn’t get anything done unless I had put God first. I never figured out the formula – there wasn’t one, really – sometimes God would accept something small as a dove as a sacrifice and other days, when I could afford it, I would sacrifice more of my time, say, the equivalent of an Old Testament calf. Giving myself the grace to experiment with this, forgiving myself when I fail has been the key to learning what God requires, because he certainly doesn’t send down a golden scroll (Matt Tommey, Thriving Christian Artist) with clarifying answers every time I have questions or get fearful and legalistic.

Arthur Burk says he knows a decent amount of prophets who have this same experience. He puts it like this: “if they don’t put God first, the worms eat the rest,” referring to the Exodus story of the manna that was gathered at the wrong time and went wormy overnight. Worms are also indicative of demons, or can be associated with snakes and giving the enemy access via sin. Ironically, people with other gifts, (like my mother, who is a redemptive Servant) don’t share this divine imperative. Maybe it has something to do with having the authority to take new ground in the spirit realm. Before they would go into battle, the Israelites would worship. It was this re-set of perspective that gave them the authority to win the battle. I still don’t have a definitive answer, and I still struggle sometimes. I know that now that I’m working outside the home, God gives me more grace when I fumble things, for which I am thankful.

Deconstruction is so much easier and less painful when people just decide they don’t believe at all anymore, because then they can throw it all out and don’t have to filter through every single gallon of mud to find the nuggets gold that are worth keeping.

But they are worth keeping, because God is real, interactive and good. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met (Graham Cooke.) He has met me on so many levels and in situations (a lot of them He had a hand in getting me into,) where I was written off and forsaken by all others.

‘All the Coming Outs’: Out as gay. Out of the church. Out as non-binary. A middle-aged, British, AFAB, evangelical version.

Where to find the complete playlist as original short form videos, audio-only, and in written format.

I lay here thinking:

why did I need a sacred over nature?

Barbelo forgive me!

why was the holiness of:

The willow tree

The snow leopard

The rushing river

EVER

in question?

May I never again be so arrogant.

I have learned and I want to do better.

-Haypeck

ALT

complete set, parts 1 to 38, audio only version of ‘All the Coming Outs’: Out as gay. Out of the church. Out as non-binary. A middle-aged, British, AFAB, evangelical version. Now on YouTube Music at https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzrs6YFXk6MGxV7u8XLW7lwD2BO8lnQYc